What to teach your children

My last post got me to thinking about what the most important ideals or habits parents instill in their children. Is it more important to teach them to pick up after themselves or to appreciate art? Do they need to be good readers or good listeners? Is oral hygiene more or less important than learning how to fix a flat tire?

There are a lot of things parents teach their children - some we teach explicitly (like how to fold a towel, because if you don't teach that then your children grow up to be like my husband and fold them into squares that don't fit in a linen closet) - and there's a lot that we teach through modeling (usually behaviors & communication, although that can be taught explicitly as well).

If I had to boil it down to a top 10 list, there's a lot of important things that would get cut... BUT since I enjoy making lists and because I have some time to kill, here's what I consider the TOP TEN things parents should teach their children.

1. Love to read... parents need to instill a love of reading into their children. Even if that parent hates reading. Why? Because reading is linked to improved academic performance as well as a host of other benefits. Children who can read well will do well in school, they improve their vocabularies, they become more logical thinkers, they have an easier time mastering language, they cure cancer and AIDS and bring world peace.

Ok, so that last one may have been a slight exaggeration. But I will bet you that the person or people who DO end up curing cancer and AIDS or who bring about world peace WILL BE fluent readers. So it's only slightly hyperbolic.

2. Be self sufficient... Alright, I admit that this one is broad and can encompass a lot. What I mean is that kids need to be able to balance a checkbook, clean a toilet, do laundry, and cook something other than microwave dinners. You can add change a tire into this one if you'd like, but I have AAA and while I know *how* to change a tire, it is not a skill that trumps cooking. Not being able to change a tire isn't going to kill me (although I may be extremely inconvenienced), a lifetime of snack foods and HungryMan meals will.

Which brings me to...

3. Healthy eating habits... I certainly don't expect any parent to withhold treats from their children. That's just crazy. But parents do need to expose their children to a variety of foods - especially fruits and vegetables - and parents need to explicitly teach their children what the word "moderation" means. I've seen WAY too many teenagers show up for 1st period with a Monster and Hot Cheetos only to see them out at lunch with a sugary sports drink and another bag of Hot Cheetos. Hot Cheetos are not the devil, but they're not a food group. 90% of the kids I see eat horrific things at lunch are overweight. It's not a coincidence.

There is a time and a place for junk food. That time is not every day. And for heaven's sake that place IS NOT SCHOOL. Your brain is supposed to be working during the school day and yet students feed it crap and wonder why they didn't do so well on their test. Gah!

4. If you can't say anything nice... I was going to put "be nice" but that's just unrealistic. Some people are just not nice people - but they can fake it! Really, kids just need to learn appropriate filters. They can say some things in front of their friends or peers that are not appropriate in the classroom, or at Thanksgiving dinner. If they learn it as children and teenagers, then they can apply it in the workplace.  There are some things you just should NOT say in front of your boss. There are some conversations that are best left out of the office... I'm guilty of this sometimes myself - no one is perfect at it - but if you can teach your kids to think before they speak, they'll be one up on everyone else who tells everyone at work about how drunk and stupid they got last night at the bar.

5. It's ok to be gay. Or straight. Or in theater. Or in mathletes... Athletes have value. Valedictorians have value. Homosexuals have value. Heterosexuals have value. Artists have value. Engineers have value. Gamers have value. Bookworms have value. People with disabilities have value. Homeless people have value. I could go on. No one is more deserving of rights than anyone else. My rights do not trump the rights of the homeless person sleeping on the library grass down the block...

And for goodness sake, corporations are not people.

6. Brush your teeth!... Maybe it's just because we took the kids to the dentist. Or maybe it's because the last time we were at the play-place at the mall 99% of the 10 & under crowd had visible fillings and crowns - but oh mylanta! Brush your d@mn teeth! Twice a day! With toothpaste! Flossing is good, and I know all dentists will recommend daily flossing, but as I am not a dentist nor am I a regular flosser, I'm just going to advocate for twice daily brushing. Hopefully P & G will get into the flossing habit as well, I'll try. But I will sure as hell make sure they brush every morning and every night. Anything less is just plain GROSS.

7. Teach them about their bodies.. It's called a penis. And the other one is a vagina. Use nicknames if you must, but teach them the real names for things as well. Teach your daughters what menstruation really means, teach her about ovulation, and cervical mucous, and how to tell when you're fertile. Teach her how to give herself a monthly breast exam (or make sure her Ped teaches her). Teach your sons about related boy-stuff. Teach them about condoms, and STDs, and birth control pills. Answer their questions. If you want, tell them sex is for marriage - but don't skimp out on real and genuine sex education just because you want them to wait. Married people need to know this stuff too.

8. VOTE... Because it's your civic duty and if you don't vote then you have to right to complain. Also? Teach your kids to respect jury duty. Yeah, it can suck - but it's an important part of our judicial process.

9. Disagree civilly... This one is HARD. I mean, few of these are really easy. But this is arguably the most difficult, in part because we have such a hard time with it ourselves. It's so much easier to degrade and deride - especially when we argue against things that are just.so.stupid (birthers anyone?). But when we get too heated - regardless of how right we are - things rarely end well. Umpires get verbally abused, baseball fans are beaten to the brink of death, people are called Nazis and their likeness is burned in effigy, hate mail is sent and received, Congress does jack-s**t for 4 years, etc.

And while we teach this lesson to our kids - we'll make mistakes. We will mess up. We will be WRONG. And so...

10. Admit fault... Our kids need to know when to say "mea culpa". And they need to learn this from us. It's hard to admit to your toddler (or teenager I'd wager) that you screwed up. You want to protect that facade of infallibility because you believe that it's the source of your authority - your parental power node. Only it's not. In part because your kids aren't stupid - they'll know what you mess up. And the most powerful lesson you can teach them about personal responsibility and leadership is to say "my bad" and then fix it if you can.

**edited to add: I forgot manners! How could I?! Manners are so, so important. But what do I replace? Voting? Teeth brushing? Maybe manners fits in to the "if you can't say anything nice category. What do you think blog world?

I'm coming out

About a controversial topic... so only read on if you'd like to hear what I have to say about circumcision.

Before I begin, I want to discuss WHY I'm writing this blog. It's not intended to make anyone who made a different choice feel bad about their decision. Parents who chose differently are not bad parents or bad people. I don't wish to judge those who chose the other option, but I do feel very strongly about the topic. So strongly that I feel the need to stand up and say "I am against routine infant circumcision". I also felt the need to chronicle this in my blog so that Griffin (and Penelope) understand why and how Bryan and I made this decision because this has as much to do with our philosophy on parenting as it does with circumcision itself.

So consider yourself warned. I will not mince my words.

I wasn't always an "intactivist". When we were pregnant with Penelope our OBGYN asked whether or not we would choose circumcision (this was before we found out Poe's sex). Both Bryan and I answered in the affirmative; yes, we would have circumcised at that point.

It's possible my answer would have changed. After all, I was originally going to deliver in a hospital.

Once we found out Poe was a girl I didn't give the subject another thought. Why would I? It didn't matter at that point.

When we got pregnant with Griffin I was convinced he was a girl... but I still did a lot of reading about the subject and participated in a LOT of debates. They changed my mind.

Circumcision is a cosmetic surgical procedure. Meaning that it is, in the vast majority of cases, medically unnecessary. It is done for a variety of cultural and/or religious reasons; since Bryan and I are neither Jewish nor Muslim then we can eliminate religious reasons. That just leaves cultural.

(FYI - there are multiple Christian denominations that do not circumcise. In fact, 1 Corinthians makes a pretty good case that God did not wish for circumcision to continue after the death of Jesus. Here's a link to a blog that discusses the Christian aspect of circumcision for those of faith who wish to read it. There are also groups like Catholics Against Circumcision who are pretty dedicated to lowering circumcision rates among the faithful.)

Regardless, all the arguments left for circumcision were cultural. So let's examine those.

1. So baby looks like Daddy. Griffin will not have the same color eyes, hair, same size feet, or the same sized penis. They're different human beings and there's no need for them to look the same. I wouldn't get cosmetic surgery done so their noses match, why for their penises?

2. So he doesn't get teased in the locker room. I'm sure Griffin, at some point in his life, will get teased. For acne, clumsiness, the gap between his teeth, when his voice changes, etc. It's inevitable. Besides, the circumcision rate is as low as 33% in some areas. So odds are he'll be in the majority as a teenager.

3. Girls think uncircumcised penises are ugly. Um, ALL penises are ugly. And erect, the circumcised and intact penises look the same. Besides, if a girl refuses to date G just because he's intact then she's not exactly the kind of woman I want my son to date.

4. Intact penises are harder to clean. Actually, they're really easy to take care of. As a baby you just wash it like a finger. No pulling back, no scrubbing. Pulling back (retraction) is actually dangerous - the foreskin is fused onto the head of the penis like a nail is to your finger (this is for infants and young boys). When they get older it will retract on its own - then boys will have to pull back the skin and rinse. That's it. And for those out there who think boys won't do this easy cleaning think on this: have you EVER met a teenage boy who had to be convinced to touch his penis? Really? It's harder to get them to STOP touching their penises. Boys take half hour long showers for a reason: hint, it's not to wash their hair.

Then there are the "medical" reasons...

1. Circumcision prevents infection. Nope, nope, and nope. Prematurely retracting the foreskin can cause infection - but an intact penis that is properly cared for will likely never cause problems. Most problems are due to lack of basic proper care. The horror stories you hear of old men in nursing homes? Likely due to the fact that a lot of workers are not properly trained on proper penile care. Old people in Europe do not suffer from high rates of medical circumcision - so either American penises are somehow faulty or we're just not doing something right.

2. Circumcision prevents AIDS/STDs. Come on. That's just silly. Studies that have shown slightly lower transmission rates have yet to be repeated and have serious flaws in data collection. Many men in the US are circumcised and yet we have very high rates of STDs, so obviously circumcision is not the answer. Condom use is. I would rather my son learn proper safe sex procedures than trust circumcision will magically stop AIDS.

There are probably others, but these are the big ones I hear in these debates.

Finally, and arguably most importantly, the reason we have decided not to circumcise Griffin is because it's not our penis, it's his. He should be the one to make the decision. Unlike actual medical decisions (vaccinations, medically indicated surgery or procedures) there are NO HEALTH BENEFITS. It's like tattooing - it's a permanent, cosmetic procedure. It's his body and it's his choice.

It's really as simple as that. There are more arguments against circumcision - some more emotional and inflammatory than others - but what it boils down to is that his body belongs to him. Not to me.

If you'd like to learn more, please visit Intact America.

So Griffin, now you know why. And you should know that if when you're older you decide to get circumcised your father and I will support you.

So how does this demonstrate our parenting philosophy? Bryan and I believe that our children are individuals that are capable of appropriate levels of autonomy. We allow our children to make decisions for themselves whenever possible. At this point Griffin doesn't make a ton of decisions, but Penelope does. She can pick out her pajamas, clothes, what she wants to eat, what activities she wants to do for the day, etc. There are limits of course, she is only 2 and is not capable of complete autonomy, but she is capable of making some decisions for herself.

Some of their decisions will be cosmetic, but many will not be. Our children will be encouraged to explore a variety of different things - religion, politics, philosophies, etc. And like any parent I hope that they will agree with my stance on many of these issues, but even if they decide differently I will still love them and I will do my best to respect and support their decisions. Because the point of it all is that it's their choice. Their lives. Their bodies. I will do what I can to keep them healthy and happy so that they can grow up and follow their bliss.

And that's how I see it.

Babycenter vs. a Speech Therapist

So I got an e-mail today from babycenter.com about Penelope's development. I get one every week (and one for the pregnancy), sometimes they have tips on how to handle common problems or issues at the child's stage in development and sometimes they're just informative. Today's was on vocalization, here's what it said (fyi, they switch genders all the time so don't be confused when they go from "he" to "she" mid-sentence):

Your baby's ability to vocalize is improving, and he may say his first word any time now. When he does, repeat it softly and clearly so she can learn the correct pronunciation. (Bear in mind that many babies won't utter an intelligible peep for several more months, and that's normal, too.) First words don't always have precise definitions, by the way. "Dog" may mean anything with four legs, and "ba-ba" could signify bottle, teddy bear, bye-bye — or all three.

Now, the last part is the part I'm most interested in, and I've bolded it, mostly because it I think it's a load of crap. If you count a first word as anything semi intelligible but that is NOT used consistently with meaning then you can count Penny's first "word" as uh-oh when she was 4 months old. Ha.

One of my very good friends (who has a daughter 4 months older than Penny) is a speech therapist - with a Masters (she works with infants and children). And her line of thought, backed up by her degree, is that a first word is when a child uses a word consistently with meaning - so "mama" will count when baby is using it to refer to mom, and only mom. If baby says "mama" to her mom, food, and teddy bear then she's just playing with sounds. This is a good thing, but it's NOT a first word.

Penelope says mama, dada, and baba pretty consistently but not exclusively for mom, dad, and bottle. She just likes to use the sound combinations to babble - which is great, but I'm not counting ANY of them as her first word. She's also said tights, wookie, and work - so she's repeating things I've said - but she has no idea what she's saying so they don't count either.

Some people think I'm being too strict with what to count as a first word. I think I'm being realistic and much more accurate than websites like babycenter. If I followed their guidelines then Penelope has been "talking" since 6 months - which is a little ridiculous. She's a smart kid, but not even Einstein talked at 6 months.