Why I don't spank

I read something on Facebook today about spanking. The gist of it is that kids who got spanked survived, and kids "these days" who were never spanked are rude and disrespectful.

I must vehemently disagree.

****Stop here if you don't want to read my thoughts on spanking, this entire post is dedicated to how I feel about spanking. It is not indented to criticize any specific person. This post was sparked by something specific, but these thoughts have long been ruminating in my brain. I do not think that parents who spank are bad parents. But I do think that spanking itself is not good. So read or skip.****

I was never spanked. I am not some sort of hooligan who spits in the face of authority. I am confident and outspoken. I am thoughtful yet assertive. I am respectful but not deferential.

And I will not spank my kids.

I work with kids from a variety of backgrounds. Some who have been spanked. Some who have been beaten. Some whose parents used non-physical forms of discipline, and some whose parents used zero discipline.

You know which kids are the best behaved? The ones whose parents used non-physical forms of discipline.

You know which kids are the worst behaved? The ones who are spanked/hit/beaten AND the ones who are not disciplined at all.

You know how I know this? Because I have conversations with my students, especially those who are trouble makers, about what goes on at home.

Overwhelming consensus from students: Spanking and hitting doesn't make us behave, it just makes us do things behind our parent's back.

More than just this, spanking is illogical. We are our children's greatest role models. We are the biggest influence on their lives, their development, their future. They will, for better or worse, model their behaviors and their relationships after the ones we present to them. So why would we make hitting an acceptable behavior? When is it ever ok to hit an adult? When do we ever hit our friends? When is it ok to hit our spouses or partners?

The answer is that - it's not. So why is it ok to hit a child? Especially a child who doesn't know all the rules. A child who is still figuring out how the world works. A child who, oftentimes, doesn't really understand WHY their behavior is bad.

They stole a toy from a friend or a candy from a store. They yelled at a parent. They drew on the wall. They're still figuring out WHY these things are not acceptable. They need to be told WHY. They need to understand that stealing a toy from a friend makes their friend sad. They need to know that stealing candy from a store is wrong because that candy doesn't belong to them - they didn't pay for it. They need to know that it's not acceptable to yell or be disrespectful toward parents and authority figures. They need to be reminded that coloring is for paper, not walls.

And they need to be told this multiple times because they are children and don't exactly have phenomenal long term or short term memory. They need to be reminded because they're trying to learn 1,000 things a day and lessons need to be repeated.

Then they need to practice. Practice using their words "Lily, can I play with that please?" "Mommy, can I please have a candy bar?" "Daddy, I don't want to wear that shirt." "Grandma, I'm sorry for coloring on the wall."

Give them words. Make them use them. Make them repeat them.

And then give natural consequences. And spanking is NOT a natural consequence. Make them clean up the mess. Or apologize to a friend. Or get a toy put up if it can't be shared... etc.

But what, exactly, does spanking serve to do other than make them angry and sad and confused? And what, exactly, does it teach them?

Hitting is a terrible teaching tool. It's ineffective in the classroom. Hitting doesn't help teachers teach, it doesn't help kids learn.

We are our children's greatest teachers. Their first teachers. And if you don't trust your child's teacher, a trained professional, to hit - then why would you trust yourself? No one trains you to be a parent. There's no guide or instructional manuel.

I just honestly don't understand the logic behind spanking.

There are those that lament "kids these days" and blame it on a lack of spanking. News Flash: kids these days to more volunteer work, care more about the environment, & are more accepting of diversity than any modern generation before them. There's nothing "wrong" with kids these days.

But there is something wrong when there's a lack of discipline in a home. The absence of spanking shouldn't equal the absence of discipline. Because discipline - consequences of inappropriate behavior and rewards for appropriate behavior - is important in teaching kids boundaries, social norms and expectations, and how not to be a jerk. (I could couch that in positive language "how to be kind" but I feel like "how not to be a jerk" is more accurate).

My kids test me. My kids throw tantrums. They misbehave.

My students test me (especially 6th period). They misbehave.

You know what works best to get my kids and my students to do what I want? Positive rewards for positive behavior. And to TALK to them. A 1-1 with my 9th grader works better than anything else I've ever tried in the classroom. A 1-1 with my son who just finished throwing and epic tantrum works well too.

And yes, I have to repeat the lesson. But unless you learned Calculus in a day, you need lessons repeated as well. We all do.

I have a ton of witty things to blog about

But considering my short term memory has gone to hell since school started back up, you won't get to hear any of them.

Most of them had to do with the kids, something funny about parenting, or just me being my normally hilarious self. So just pretend I amused you and then read this.

Griffin has recently entered the "F-You Mother" stage of being 2. It's like the teenage "F-You World" stage, only 80% of the time it's directed at me, and he's still cute so it's mostly amusing. Also, it's only a part-time stage (unlike the teenage stage) and so he's still willing to give me hugs & kisses, and still demands to be held on occasion. These are the reasons why he's still living with us and hasn't been shipped off to toddler boarding school or sold to gypsies (excuse me, Romas).

This stage has three important steps that define it:
1. Refusal to do any simple task which he would have gladly performed last week
2. Crossed arms when mommy counts to three and a look that is intended to kill, but only makes me laugh
3. A loud and indignant "I will!" just as I reach the number 2, barely preventing him from sitting in a time out

There are secondary characteristics, but they're too numerous to mention. Although he did attempt to distract me from his inappropriate behavior in the car the other day. As we were driving and he was spitting on himself (yes, you read that correctly) he loudly proclaimed "look mama, a bus!" and pointed out the window just as I had finished scolding him about spitting but before I could start counting.

Granted, he did voluntarily relinquish his sippy when I asked him "do I need to take your sippy away so you stop spitting?" And that shows a considerable amount of self-awareness for a 2 year old and actually made me quite proud of him.

He's also started to get rather possessive of things - namely his sister. "Dat's MY Delpi!" (read: That's my Penelope) or "No, my dit-dee" (read: No, my sissy).

While he can also be possessive of Bryan and I, odds are he's more concerned that people understand the Pen is his, so keep that in mind you dirty sister stealer.

Perhaps I am exaggerating. But I rarely do that.

The kids are still amazingly fond of each other, and I am amazed at how well they get along. Granted, they will still fight, but they stick up for one another, generally play well together, and are quite affectionate. I wish I wasn't too lazy to upload one of their latest hugging pictures... but I AM too lazy. Perhaps later. Once school is over.

Speaking of school, I must say that I love my job. LOVE. But this year is already exhausting. At the beginning of the school year I told myself that next year, after BTSA is over and I've cleared my credential - and after evaluations are over and I've gotten tenure - that next year would not be so completely and utterly draining. I was lying to myself. Next year, and every year that I work in education - will be exhausting. I'll rest when I'm dead, n'est-ce pas?

Working on The List

I still have a lot of school and credentialing work to do, but I have a paper topic so that's a start. If I want to get a B in this class I only need to get a C on the paper... although a C on the paper might actually get me an A- in the class depending on how my last assignments are graded. But that's just the final assignment for the class I still have a lot of TPA work to do. It's just going to have to wait until the class is over, one thing at a time.

I did get some research done today, which is good. I also did laundry, cleaned the master bedroom (Bryan re-arranged it so it's labor/tub ready), and cooked extra dinner and froze the rest (I now have 4 meals frozen). So I feel as though I accomplished a lot today. In addition to rearranging the bedroom, Bryan finished texturing Penny's new room (all it needs now is to be painted), and between yesterday and today he did a LOT of yardwork. So both of our Lists got at least a few things checked off so far this weekend.

Tomorrow we're going to a fundraiser potluck for Mother's Support Network, and then I hope to be able to work a bit more on my paper.

And now for the interesting stuff that people actually care about, a Penelope update.

She can now reach the deadbolt on the back door... without standing on her tip toes. It's 41" off the ground. She can't quite lock or unlock in yet, but that will come soon; that will be fun when it happens. Not.

I don't think she could do too much damage in the backyard (to herself or what's out there), but if she figures out how to get into the garage we're in trouble. I don't think it's possible to toddler-proof the garage and I don't want to even try.

Penelope has also decided that it's fun to get in trouble. She purposefully stands up on the couch or our bed even though she knows she's not supposed to. Then she grins at me when I tell her to sit on her bottom. When I get close enough to take her off the furniture she sits right down with a very pleased look on her face. Brat.

I've started counting to three before I impose a consequence, and the smarty pants will hold up her fingers while I count as if we're playing a game. It's actually pretty hilarious and I have a hard time not laughing at her; and boy is it hard to giggle and be stern at the same time.

She's also started taking her frustrations out on things. So if I tell her "no" she'll try and hit me or pull on the dog if Harley-Quinn happens to be nearby (and she's always nearby, that d@mn dog is never out of reach). She gets told "no", "we don't hit", and "be gentle" when she does those things - I don't know what else I can do. I know this is normal behavior, but it's still a little frustrating. Welcome to parenthood, right?

She's also consistently taking naps and going to bed at night on her own without crying. Which is SO nice. I'm sure we'll still have days and nights where sleep is a struggle, but for the most part she puts herself to sleep without a fuss and then sleeps for 2+ hours (nap) or 11+ hours (bed). No crying. Although she was never really a bedtime crier - but perhaps that's because we always put her to bed asleep (until recently). I always figured she'd let us know when she was ready to sleep on her own... and she did! Thankfully it corresponded with when WE were ready to have her sleep on her own. I think we lucked out on that one.

Now on to "&"

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and have been given the "ok" for a homebirth. My midwives don't expect me to go into labor this week, but they estimate the baby's weight at 5 1/2 lbs which means that if I should go into labor now I can safely have the baby at home.

This is wonderful news, even though I desperately hope the baby decides to wait at least until all of my classwork and credential work is done... so while I don't enjoy pregnancy and while I'm so very ready to no longer be pregnant, I'm hoping to actually go the full 40 weeks. A month ago I would have never said that. A month ago I would have hoped to go into labor the moment I was given the green light... but a month ago I didn't realize how much I have to get done before April 15th.

Baby is in the right position for labor - head down, in my pelvis, etc. But that doesn't mean labor is imminent. While I'm having contractions (mostly BH) every day, they're not regular and don't increase in intensity. I know I'm not going into labor anytime soon.

My next visit in Tuesday, it's actually a home visit so Marlene and Kaleem come to our house. That way they can (re)familiarize themselves with the layout, where supplies are, etc. Which is why I'm glad our bedroom is now "properly" arranged, our birth kit is done, and Penny's room is close to being finished.

Next week I may also get to see my maternity photos! Bree (who took P's 1 year pictures) took them on the 13th and she said they'd be ready in about 2 weeks. Penny and I had a lot of fun working with her and I'm looking forward to seeing the pictures. She took some of P and I together, just the belly, and then a bunch of just Penny. She's also going to come over 7-10 days after the baby is born and take newborn photos. Her photography is beautiful - check out her website: http://www.breehesterphotography.com/

Ok, time for bed. Here's one of my new favorite pictures of Penelope (with her Uncle Nic at the Steinheart Aquarium in San Francisco):